so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
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