i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
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I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
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The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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