Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize