i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
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