I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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