I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize