I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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