for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
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I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
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Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
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