he puts the penis in happiness.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize