I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Randomize