I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
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