Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
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shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
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So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
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