my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
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Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
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Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
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