I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
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organizing the empties. That sober.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
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I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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