She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Randomize