Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
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The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
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Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
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