also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
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Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Randomize