if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
You pole danced in your parka.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
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