saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
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