so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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