If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
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Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
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