I wish life had little blips of pornography
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
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We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
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I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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