the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
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