I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
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