I must be too annoying 4 u.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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