Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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