a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
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