I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
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