Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I'm passing your future prison.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
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I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
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My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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