I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
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