You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
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