Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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