Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
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He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
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I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
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