Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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