When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
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