i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
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