and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
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under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
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my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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