Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
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You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
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my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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