trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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