I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
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I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
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No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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