i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
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This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
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Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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