if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
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Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
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They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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