Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
he told me I talked like a deaf person
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
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Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
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The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
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