fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
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