i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
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He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
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My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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