Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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