i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
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He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Randomize