Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
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I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
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So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
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