It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
this beer tastes like vomit already
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
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Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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