broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
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In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
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She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
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